I know stupid people #3

May 8, 2012 § 15 Comments

and I am not just bragging.  Ironically, a friend of Samantha of this post.  

So this guy dropped out of school after first year.  He is now working in a meat packing plant.  He’s talking to me and Sam about how hard life is now that he is in the “real world”, yeah because my world is just so Fluffy.  
Obviously this guy has never learned the meaning of the word “literally”, but he thinks it is a great word to stress his point.
“I fractured my knee cap three weeks ago.  I still have not had a day off to get x-rays.”  Okay, I’m smelling bullshit, because there is no way you can work a very physical job with a fractured fucking knee.  But anyway…. “No literally I could not walk.”  Yet he worked…. hmmm.
“Literally I was dying.”  No, because you lived.
“It’s so cold I literally got carpal tunnel syndrome like the week I started.”  Yeah, dude, if you got carpal tunnel syndrome I would not blame a few days of working in the cold, but maybe time to lay off the porn.
So after (yeah, I’m mean), I said to Sam if the guy said literally again I was going to deafen myself with a pencil.  
“I didn’t see what being able to read had to do with it either.”
“No, Sam that is LITERACY.  He said literally.”
“I don’t know what that word means.”

I know stupid people #2

March 13, 2012 § 28 Comments

And I’m not just bragging.  I have a friend named Jason.  Now Jason is a really nice, NICE guy.  Totally open, and has the best sense of humor, even when the jokes are directed at him.  And he is totally clueless when it comes to girls.  He maybe (okay he is) DAMN hot, he could not get a serious girlfriend until recently.  Him and his girlfriend have been together for 3 months.  I think the reason she is able to put up with him is she is a preschool teacher, so being around people all day, every day, who have no social boundaries, Jason sticks out less.
   Now their first fight….

She came home with an embarrassing problem really upset.  So with jokes and teasing he got her to talk and they laughed together… all was right with the world.  Then before he goes to bed Jason, thinking to spread his humor wrote on Facebook : Jason —— thinks it is really funny that his girlfriend has head lice.

She did not see it until her lunch break.  Now Jason has, well over 500 FB friends.  Friends at school, mutual friends of the couple, friends at his work, friends at her work, his extended family, the list goes on and on.  He cannot understand why she is mad.  REALLY.  He is not playing dumb.  To his mind, since they were talking about it, laughing about it, why could he not let anyone and everyone else in on the joke.

“Really, she got mad at that?” I said
“I know right,”  some people are just completely clueless.

I know stupid people

January 24, 2012 § 16 Comments

I do.  I’m not just bragging.  Now there is a girl in my school…. we’ll call her Samantha (because that’s her name and no one in my uni reads my blog so FTW).  Sam is…well… dumb as a bag of hammers.  Now she is book smart… well okay book not-so-stupid, but she was in her second year with a sociology major before she knew what sociology meant (and no I am not making it up, she asked us).  She truly believed that condoms cause AIDS, and is probably the poster child why Ontario should rid itself of Roman Catholic schooling.

ANYWAY…. I just wanted you to grasp who this came from.  And Please, make no mistake, Samantha is probably the sweetest and nicest person you will ever want to meet…

She was talking about that stupid Tim Tebow thing with the 316 yards and all the other crappola they can cram 316 into.  How amazing the Lord is to give messages to his believers.  I asked her if good old timmy had ever passed for 317 or 315 yards, and she did not know.  I pointed out that the only reason 316 was brought up was because of the mere coincidence of it being his favorite quote in the bible (yeah, and that is so fucking rare, right?).  And she actually looked at me and said (and I am not making this up) “Yeah, but coincidences just don’t happen for no reason.”

My brain actually hurt.  I think it was sympathy pains for Samantha’s poor unused brain.

“Hey, Sam, do you own a dictionary?”
“Yeah, why?”
“Go home and look up the word coincidence, would you?”
My friend Ali is laughing her ass off and Samantha laughed, stopped, looked at Ali and said “I don’t know what he means.”

So no matter what stupid things you do in your week, know this, you are not Samantha.

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