September 16, 2011 § 13 Comments
In one year I will not be here. I will (hopefully) be in Toronto, but possibly even in another province depending on where I get accepted. This we have always known. I guess I never really thought about how Chris felt about this, or where, if at all, he fit into my plan. In my mind I guess I never really put him and school together and realized that they don’t fit. That is my excuse and I am sticking to it.
So we are at his place and just eating, and me typically talking and not thinking. So I’m explaining how I realize now how fucking competitive it is going to be to get in where I want and that I may have to go to Saskatchewan, Alberta or P.E.I. to go to school. “P.E.I.? Do you know how impossible it is to find a job there?”
“It’s no big, I doubt I’ll have time anyway. And it’s not like I’m sticking around fucking P.E.I. after I get my degree.”
“Well, how am I supposed to live there?” Well you could have knocked me fucking over. I never, really, never fucking thought about him and me and school all in the same moment in time. I think about our future, but never in relation to me leaving. “I mean Saskatchewan’s good. There is tons of work there.”
“You’re gonna move along with me?” Okay, I’m not that bright.
“Well, maybe not then. Sorry, my bad. I didn’t realize that I was going to get ‘Thanks for the good time’ postcards from you when you went off to college.” I take full credit for his new found inner bitch.
“Hey, I just didn’t think about it before. I never thought about the logistics of me moving away.” But in my mind I thought wow, fucking awesome. He has thought about it. About living together, the future, that is awesome. Now if only my brain would have just left it alone. But my mind can be my biggest enemy, because rather than relax with an idea of unrealistic bliss in a future relationship I see the flaws. I see the impossibilities. “How are you going to explain to your parents that you are moving away?”
“I’m a big boy, J. My parents will understand that I take opportunities as they come.” Well come on, I really did not expect him to tell them he is following his boyfriend, did I? Of course not. But I guess with him wanting to follow me I wanted something. Some movement forward from the closet from him. Some shifting to social acceptance. And in my mind it exploded into worse case scenarios and a realization that this is it. This is who I could end up with for my whole life. Not the C that I love. This big fucking closet case. This guy who wants me, but when it is okay. When it is acceptable. The rest of the time I don’t exist, or I’m someone he’s seeing, left to assume that someone is a woman. At his place I am his sometimes room mate.
Like a case of verbal diarrhoea I’m spewing all these fucking insecurities and fears that I never knew existed. That are maybe the reason I never let myself think too far ahead. I’m accusing him of doing shit he hasn’t even done yet. In the end it pretty much was a knock down drag out fight for things he has not even fucking done. Not my finest moment. Oh, did I mention loud? It was very loud.
Anyway, I did eventually calm down and realized how unreasonable I was being. I mean here my boyfriend is basically letting me know he is planning a future with me and I am losing it on him for it. But in my mind I am seeing a future in the closet. Because the fact is, one person cannot be in a relationship with someone openly gay and hope to stay in his closet. I would have to change to not “out” him. Because the fact of it all is, two guys living together, one gay, the assumption is both gay. And once he is outed how is that going to affect me? Us? Resentment. So I change. Then what happens when his old friends visit? J gets to make himself scarce for the visit. Or fucking god forbid his parents…. J disappears for their visit.
And the future? What happens in five years? How do C’s parents not wonder about their 30 something son who has never had a relationship? No woman to bring home? And I know these are his issues, but they will become mine if we are still in a relationship.
Most of all, I know I cannot live like that. Because the thoughts of it are already causing resentment. I fucking hate that he wants that life for me. And I hate that I feel like I am being a dick issuing ultimatums, but how can I not be? This is going to be a deal breaker for me. And I am trying really hard NOT to say that, but the bottom line is I think in the end I know if he does not come out all my deepest fears are going to manifest.
Of course then it is his turn to point out that I have things “easy” because his life is just so fucking complicated…. And so it continues.