I is for

April 12, 2012 § 16 Comments

Ingratitude.  Do you know these kinds of people?  Always asking for help, never appreciating it?  Never thinking people give them enough help?

Okay…. my paternal grandfather’s family is fucking weird.  My mother’s cousin, who used to be normal, in the last 4 years has gone from Lovely yet religious person, to religious douche bag.  IMHO.  It started when she met her now-husband.  They got pregnant immediately (love at first sight…. yeah, okay).  She had a daughter. They never got married, because he could not afford to give her the wedding she deserved.   He took parental leave, and the family as a whole ended up on welfare when his company went tits up while he was on leave.  And she got pregnant…. again, and again, and again…. and now again.

So recently welfare cut him off.  That saying they still support her and her 4+ kids, but lessened the cheque by his amount.  She wrote on Facebook how it is unreasonable for the government to expect him to get a job when they have soon to be 5 children to raise.  She cannot handle them on her own.  See. they did not PLAN 5 children, they just think the Lord is their birth control.

So last year when they cut him off. she put out a call on Facebook for money…. REALLY.  A “give to the cause”.  That was when she was on bed-rest with baby 4… people felt bad, and actually gave her money to keep him home with the three kids.  Since then she gave birth, got pregnant again and has recently commented that “Charity from my family and Christian family has been cut almost in half…. I guess everyone is having it tough and can’t give as much as they would like to.”  Or they are getting sick of sponges…. nah…. let’s blame the economy.  Funny thing is, she never thanked the people who gave them money.  She thanked the Lord for moving people to give her money.  So people give her money , God did it…. people giving her less money…. economies fault.

So, last month was her 2nd kid’s 4th birthday.  She put on facebook how she was sad she could not afford to make him a cake.  So my mom baked a cake with my borther and brought it along with a present.  (Once upon a time they were really close).  After they left she put out a post on facebook.  “Wow, my cousin brought over a cake for Micah and a present.  My kids are so cute.  We always bake from scratch, but they still loved the cake made from mix, love you Cuz.”   Yeah…. that is her idea of gratitude.  “Better than nothing, but not nearly what I deserve.”

They did finally get married.  When she was 8 months pregnant with their third child the church gave them the wedding of her dreams.  I guess they could have put that money into a food bank, or something, but hey, so long as she got the wedding of her dreams.  The Lord is great:P


F is for

April 7, 2012 § Leave a comment

Family.  I was helping my dad and mom get their new property cleaned up.  To translate, My dad and I filled a bag of old mulchy leaves, then proceeded to drink almost a case of beer.  I love how he has the same sense of home projects I do.  Hand me a beer.

We started playing cards with CJ.  Scat…. or thirty-one.  Anyway I had 29, watched my last 10 get buried so I knock.  CJ lost and he says “Why did you have to knock?”
“I wasn’t going to get my scat, all my 10s were gone.”
“So, the game isn’t all about you, you know.”  I could not help but laugh.  CJ is a very poor loser.  I never let him win.  I never have.  I find it demeaning to the other person to let them win.  Like implying they can never compete.  And they surely never learn that way.

So later CJ says “I know Morris code.”
“Morse code”  I corrected him, “Not Morris.  Morse, after Samuel Morse.”
“Well I know it.” he then proceeded to tap away.
“You know that is not Morse code.  You use Morse code to transmit a message, it is not just random dits and dahs.”
“It was a message.”
“Really, and what was it supposed to say?”
“That big brothers think they know EVERYTHING.”

Damn, he’s becoming a teenager alright.  I’ve been put in my place.

Love at first sight

March 6, 2012 § 31 Comments

Do you believe in it.  I don’t.  Because it only applies if the couple stay together.  But at first sight you can feel attraction, lust, a pull (which comes from below the waist).  Sure you can try to say it is something more romantic.  But in the end how can you love somebody without knowing anything beyond how they look?
My grandma claims the moment she laid eyes on my grandpa it was love at first sight.  in her mind she said she told herself :  “That is the man I am going to marry.”  That is her story.  Then I found out something new.  My grandparents were married three months after they met.  3 fucking months!  Wow.  And they’ve been together almost 45 years.  Maybe there is something to the whole love at first sight.

Wait….. You were married in November and had my Aunt in May…..Six months later.  I’m no math genius but….

Okay Grandma…. We’ll call it love at first sight if it makes you feel better.

Worst sleep ever

February 28, 2012 § 12 Comments

I don’t know why. I was hot then cold, then hot then cold… Leg spasms, and woke up twice to weird fucking dream. One was, of all the stupid things, getting out of the car. I had a dream that I got out of my car. But could not get passed the car on the other side’s mirror. So I cross to the passenger side, same thing. I go back to the driver’s side the car is even closer and I can’t open the door far enough to get back in and find another spot. I’m just rapped and frustrated waiting for someone to come and move. Yeah, it does not take a psychology major to figure out I am stressed about getting intoy program. And if I choose a wrong move I could be stuck. Just waiting with nowhere to go. Cs lucky he is working afternoons, by the time he got to bed I managed maybe another two hours and I was back up. I’m highly caffeinated right now. I hate waiting. I hate feeling like there is nothing I can do. Just wait and hope for the best. So this is not a total bitch session…I thought this was funny, true story from the weekend My mother was giving her email address over the phone. She gets to the letter “n” and the guy repeats it back as an “m”. My mother was like “no N as in…” and there was panic as her mind failed to find an n-word, then she blurted out “necrophilia”. As my mother explains it, she did not want the guy to think she is an idiot because she blanked on an “N” word. No now he just thinks she’s someone who has words like that just popping into her head. It’s official. I AM the normal one in my family. Scary thought.

Sage advice for Valentine’s Day from an expert

February 13, 2012 § 8 Comments

   I was at my Nonna’s on Sunday.  Whole family thing.  My cousin was lamenting that his most recent crush had friend-zoned him.  He asked her out to be told she didn’t like him “that way”.  So he was trying to drum up ideas that would “remind” her that he was still interested if she changed her mind, but without creeping her out too much.  

   Then came the sagest words from the most unlikely source:  “There is a fine line between persistence and restraining orders.”  We were laughing, but then CJ got this dead serious look on his face, apparently really mad we were taking his serious advice as so funny.  “Trust me, I know.”  His 12 year old face so intense.
   “And how would you know?” I asked.
   “I watch a lot of judge shows.” 

Ghosts of Christmas past

January 5, 2012 § 12 Comments

For some reason I was thinking about my cousin and myself as little kids.  We were both watched a lot by my Nonna while our parents worked.  My Nonna has two kitchens.  One upstairs kitchen where everything is spotless, one downstairs, where still everything is spotless, but it does not have to stay this way.  This is the one she cooks in.  She also has a living room with her couch in the clear plastic slip covers  She DUSTS her couch.  

   There are two doors in my Nonna’s house.  The front door which leads to a large foyer, opening to her plastic couched living room and french doors with open to her beautiful kitchen.  Then there is the side door which leads to the kitchen of good smells, and her sunken “den”, and two rooms.  Growing up A and I spent many times napping on the den couch, playing, juice got spilled, crumbs dropped.  We lived in the den and second (which is really the only) kitchen.  When family would come over we spent time in the den.  Every Christmas that plastic would come off the couch and for one very tense evening Nonna’s couch lived life on the wild side.  Bareback furniture.
Anyway, because A and I were about 4 and 5 and so used to fooling around at Nonna’s we did not really grasp the impact of being allowed in the front door.  It felt like forever, but was probably only an hours of us getting told to “settle down” or “sit still” when finally Nonna said she would go down and put on a movie for us. My cousin got “Spice World” for Christmas, I can’t remember what I wanted to watch, but we were arguing.      
     We ended up shoving each other and went right into the french doors guarding the “Good Kitchen”.  As my mother stood up an entire glass of red wine down a cream coloured sofa with embroidered roses.  My cousin had a split lip and the back of my head managed to break the glass, yet it remained intact, with the perfect curved indent of the back of my head in the thick glass.  Surprisingly I was unhurt, but later as we sat watching “Spice World”, A with a dishcloth full of ice pressed to her lip and a smirk that she got her choice of movie at the cost of a little blood we heard my Nonna directed the cleaning of the couch while assuring my mother it was fine, and that she probably had too much to drink.  My father arguing that it had more to do with two children going through a glass door.  
   The couch was never the same, and they had to get a new one.  All of which Nonna assured my mother was no big deal.  But every Christmas she mentions Jamie’s head indented in the glass and the sofa.  “I loved that sofa.”  


December 23, 2011 § 6 Comments

Yes, I did it.  Post exam I met up with Jake.
My mom is friends with Jake’s mom.  They met before we were born.  My mom was in University with Jake’s father.  By that time they already had Jake’s older sister Kayleigh, and my mom used to kick about with them.  Anyway she went to theirs and I took the ride, since they live out of town.  Got TOTALLY drunk.  Jake has a “life-sized” Frosty.  Brilliant thing is it dances and will move it’s lips to whatever you say in the microphone. That we could get this thing to say whatever we wanted became quite the game the drinker we got. Anyway, after one day of promising to never do that again I’m feeling much better. Mom asked me to got shopping with her. Now my mother has no control on spending, so every Christmas she takes out the amount she is going to spend and leaves her purse at home. So our last stop is to the LCBO. Behind the counter is this guy about 25. Anyway, we have about 600 dollars worth of booze on the table ( because my family is Awesome like that) and the guy asks my mother for I.D. She laughed, but he was serious. “this is my son.”. So he asks her to take off her sunglasses then laughs. My mother looked at him and said “I’m going to pretend it is the wisdom you see in my eyes and not the crows feet that convinced you.”. Poor guy had no idea what to say to that.

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